Many Characteristics Equal One Strong Relationship English Literature Essay

An English writer and politician, Eustace Budgell once said, “friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons to promote the good and happiness of one another” (Addison, Steele, & Bond, p. 300). This quote is very true in what has been said and observed about friendship throughout history. Friendship is seen everywhere you look. Chances are someone channel surfing on the television will likely find a TV show based on friendships. If you walk through the halls in schools you will see kids huddled together talking and laughing with their friends; and if you go to a place of work at lunch time, it is likely you will see co-workers eating together who have become friends through work. This paper will focus on male-male, female-female, and male-female friendships and how to maintain friendships. Bride Wars, I Love You, Man, and Valentines Day are all movies that portray friendships, supporting the notion that friendships are characterized in many ways, one of which is by gender, and also that friendship can prove to be a positive experience in dealing with emotions and socializing.

Characteristics

There are many different types of friendships, whether it is work friends, school friends, or just friends you have been close with for a while. Although each of these types of friendships are in different environments and contexts, almost all friendships you might encounter will share some similar characteristics. According to the textbook, Interpersonal Communications, friendships include five different characteristics: the relationship is voluntary, the people are peers, the friendship is governed by rules, it may differ by sex, and it has a life span. Friendships are voluntary because no one is forced to have friends. If you are in a friendship with someone, both of you are friends by choice. Along with being voluntary, the relationship must also be maintained through behaviors such as positivity, openness, and assurance. Friendships are also usually relationships between equals, or with peers. Therefore, it is much more difficult to form a friendship and become “friends” with your boss or your parents, because they exert a level of control over you. The next characteristic is that friendships are governed by rules. A few underlying rules of friendship consists of trusting each other, keeping secrets, not being jealous of your friends other friends, and providing emotional support. Furthermore, friendships have a life span. According to this textbook, most friendships will eventually end. This can be because they grow to dislike each other, or because friends’ life circumstances can change. It may not be because the friends actually want the friendship to end, but it might just happen because they no longer have the necessary energy or time to maintain it. However, if a friend is of particular importance, communication (even if very minimal) with one another can keep it going (Floyd, 2009, p. 311-318).

Same-Sex Friendships

Besides the characteristics listed above, many different types of friendships are based on gender. It can be female-female, male-male, or male-female friendships, all of which can be very diverse friendships. Friendships among women often place greater emphasis on conversational and emotional expressiveness. Friendships among men focus on shared activities and interests (Floyd, 2009, p. 314). Supporting this claim, Aries and Johnson (1983), discovered females frequently discuss personal and family matters, have a great number of friends who live nearby, and talk on the phone often. However, men often enjoy discussing things such as sports, similar interests, or doing shared activities. They discovered these things by analyzing a survey based on 136 adults (p. 1193-1194).

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While there are multiple contrasting components to male-male and female-female friendships, there are also some similarities. Men and women agree on purposes of talk in same-sex relationships. Both men and women endorse talking for talk’s sake as a main purpose of meeting up with friends. Next, they both agree that “task” is the second reason for meeting with friends. This means getting together to get a task done, or discussing a task that they will be doing. The third reason they both agree on for what is the purpose of talking in their friendships is specific relationship issues (Duck & Wright, 1993, p. 7). To go along with these findings, Duck and Wright also discovered that both men and women are attuned to caring, supportiveness, and encouragement. However, women are much more likely than men to express these things (p. 17).

Application

There are two movies in particular that portray each type of gender-based friendship that has been discussed thus far. Bride Wars is a movie about two girls who have been best friends since they were youngsters. Liv and Emma (played by Kate Hudson and Anne Hathaway), are both proposed to be married around the same time and both have dreamed of having their weddings at the famous Plaza Hotel. Unfortunately, the weddings were accidentally booked on the same day, and Liv and Emma spend the majority of the movie fighting with each other and trying to sabotage each other’s weddings. At the end of the movie, viewers can tell that Liv and Emma are true friends, even though the movie depicts a lot of conflicts within their friendship.

Liv and Emma represent an ideal female-female friendship that goes with all of the characteristics discussed earlier in the paper. They are friends by choice. When they were young they became friends and chose to remain friends throughout their lives and had always been there for each other. Their friendship was also governed by rules, which were stretched to the limits during the movie. Keeping each other’s secrets was especially tested at the end of the movie when a video of Emma dancing at spring break was played while she was walking down the isle. It was not until shortly after this event did we start to see Emma and Liv exert true friendship, portraying forgiveness. Emma forgave Liv and they were back to being best friends, and eventually were pregnant for children that were due on the same day.

I Love You, Man is a comedy about a man, Peter (played by Paul Rudd) who is engaged to be married, but realizes that he has no male friends. He does not know who will stand up in his wedding, and all of his fiancé’s friends are starting to think he is weird because he is always around and has no male friends. He then meets his soon-to-be best friend, Sydney (played by Jason Segel) when Sydney poses as a prospective client at an open house (Peter is a realtor). The two of them become almost inseparable, doing all the things man best friends do; playing music in the “man cave,” going on hikes with other guys friends, and going to concerts to listen to their favorite band Rush. All of these things support the research that has been done about male-male friendships. Sydney and Peter’s relationship was not formed around discussing personal and family matters, but by doing shared activities, and through doing these things, they bonded. Not that they did not discuss anything personal. They discussed things about Peter’s life with his fiancé, Zoey, and talked about Sydney’s past relationships and family. Through all of this they formed a strong friendship, became best friends, and eventually Sydney stood up as Peter’s best man in his wedding.

Cross-Sex Friendships

Contrary to female-female and male-male friendships, cross sex friendships (those between a male and female) require a whole other realm of research because they are very different from same sex friendships. Though there are many benefits to cross sex friendships, there also can be some difficulties that go along with them. Cross sex friendships can result in four different types of challenges described by Monsour, Harris, Kurzweil, and Beard (1994). The first challenge is the emotional bond challenge. Males and females have been taught since birth to look at the opposite sex as a prospective romantic partner so forming a friendship with someone can cause confusion if one person is looking at it is having the capability of someday becoming romantic while they other person is simply looking for friendship. The next challenge is the sexual challenge. For some of the same reasons listed as challenges in the emotional bond, the sexual challenge also confronts the idea that many individuals can sense a sexual tension in their relationships. The challenge is whether to act on it or not. Acting on it could result in the start of a wonderful romantic relationship, or could be the end of a friendship. The third challenge is the equality challenge. Because equality is an important component of a friendship, it sometimes causes issues between male-female friendships. It is sometimes noticed that men may have male-dominance in friendships; this may cause challenges because friendships do best if everyone treats one another as equals. Finally, the audience challenge is the last type of challenge discussed in cross-sex friendships. It is at times difficult to explain to the outer world the components and definition of a cross-sex friendship. Many outsiders do not believe it can truly happen…an equal friendship, with no sexual interest, between a male and female. Because of this, it can be a challenge for the two people within the friendship, especially if they are easily influenced by the outside world. (p. 56-57).

Despite these challenges, there are also potential benefits from cross-sex friendships. According to Michael Monsour, author of Women and Men as Friends: Relationships across the Life Span in the 21st Century, there are a couple of different benefits that are unique to cross-sex friendships. One benefit is that these types of friends provide each other with other-sex companionship and insider perspectives on how members of the opposite sex think, feel, and behave. Because of this, each member of the friendship better understands why people may act the way they do, or say the things they say. Cross-sex friendships are additionally beneficial in making later cross-sex interactions in life easier to be in (p. 7-8).

Further Application

Valentines Day is a movie with a lot of main characters in it. There are probably about 10 different people in it, which the viewer eventually realizes are intertwined together by the end of the movie. The two people to focus on, however, are Reed (played by Ashton Kutcher) and Julia (played by Jennifer Garner). Reed is in love with a girl named Morley, and Julia is starting to fall for a Dr. Harrison Copeland. Despite having somewhat separate lives, with Reed as a florist and Julia as a schoolteacher, they are each other’s best friends. Reed gives Julia advice on Dr. Copeland, and Julia tries to help Reed get over his heart being broken by Morley (who broke off their engagement early in the movie). Both of these things go along with what are some of the benefits of cross-sex relationships. With Reed being a male, he gives Julia insider information on what he thinks she should do to surprise Dr. Copeland on Valentine’s Day. He thought he was giving good advice for Julia to surprise Dr. Copeland by going to visit him, because he would like it if his girlfriend did that for him. This was all before Reed finds out that Dr. Copeland is married, and has a whole other life that he is keeping from Julia. Reed then tries to stop Julia at the airport, telling her what only a true friend would say; the truth, because he would have wanted to know that Morley was going to leave him if anyone else had known.

This movie depicts a positive experience with cross-sex friendships. Reed and Julia were there for each other when needed, and gave advice when needed. However, they did cross the “friendship lines” at the end of the movie, and it ended with the two of them kissing, making it seem like they were going to start a relationship. It is unknown whether they had a happy ending in a romantic relationship, or if their friendship was ruined by it, because those are really the only two options you have when moving past being best friends and into a relationship. Two people rarely can return to being best friends because of the challenges listed previously, especially the sexual challenge. There will always be a sexual tension in the relationship after going further than being “just friends” which makes it increasingly difficult to go back to friendship you had before.

Conclusion

Whether it is same-sex or cross-sex, friendships are a great form of communication and social experience. They can be found in a multitude of ways in life, just walking around the halls of a school or taking a walk through a mall, one will most likely see a few different types of friendship. There is no friendship that is exactly the same, but most friendships have many similar characteristics. Someone is fortunate to have someone they can call a true friend because it is the chance to share a part of yourself with someone you can always trust and rely on.