I've always been fascinated with the way people interact. Understanding the reasons behind an interaction has driven me into the sociology field of study. What causes a person to act a certain way? Why are some people introverts and others extroverts? Why can some people walk into a party and feel at home while others feel awkward? I would constantly contemplate these questions until I stumbled upon social dynamics. The ability a society has to react to changes within its community is known as social dynamics. I eventually shifted my focus to person to person interactions in one on one instances and group theory. I also wanted to focus on what the core components of attraction are and how they work. This has been a long journey that has changed me for the better. nice house, inherited millions, and owns his own company has a tremendous amount of Survival Value. If he is 5'0, 120lb, and has a physical disability then his Replication Value would be very low. I talked with my friend Dan who is an American Asian about this concept. He had some very interesting insight to give me. He would tell me how when he'd go on dates with women they would tell him how they thought he was a financially stable guy and that he was the type to be in a long term relationship. A very stable relationship was to be expected from him. He had a ton of Survival Value at this point. He believed this was because of social conditioning in the media to convince people that most Asian Americans are not in touch with their sexuality, are nerdy, wimpy, and focus on pursuing an education. We discussed how leadership, charisma, and adventurous personalities were not perceived traits that American Asian men possessed. We noted that the media had a large part in conditioning us to believe this to be true. Often times the simple belief that something is true by the masses can make it a social reality. Even after this breakthrough I still asked myself "Why is value such a big factor in determining attraction?" I soon found the answer I was looking for.
I would talk with some friends of mine who were very attractive men and ask them why they were nervous about approaching women. The unanimous response was the fear of rejection. Why is the fear of rejection strong enough to cause many people to avoid interactions? How come what one person thinks matter so much to us when there are over 6.5 billion people out there? I initially thought it was our egos not being able to stomach rejection until I read The Venusian Arts Handbook. The author is Erik von Markovic, but better known by his stage name
Mystery, is one of the world's most talented dating coaches and pick-up artists. He argues that attraction is not a choice. He wrote:
"Our struggled for survival and replication comes from a dynamically changing social environment. Ever since humanity came into existence, we have been faced with the challenge of trying to keep up with and adapt to a constant increase in our population. Life in a small town is very different than life in a big city. Consider the differences between living your entire life in a small tribe of fifty to sixty people, and living in a city of twelve million. Nature has not yet had a chance to adapt your design to the new social environment." (Mystery 10)
This was a revelation for me. I realized that first change happens and only then can humanity slowly adapt to those changes. It is as if our bodies and emotional circuitry have not yet adapted to today's social environment and the new challenges it brings. We are still wired for life 40,000 - 60,000 years ago. I realized that, logically, rejection causes us no harm but, emotionally, rejection can be a tough pill to swallow. Understanding that we are hardwired for life in a small tribe led me to a few conclusions. In a tribal group the potential women to mate with were very limited compared to today. If you were to approach one of these women and get rejected then all the other women would find out. This would be a heavy burden to carry with you and severely diminish your value in their eyes. It could be so bad that no woman would mate with you, essentially weeding you out of existence. This feeds off the theory of pre-selection. A man who is preselected by other women will be more attractive and one who has been rejected will be less attractive. Imagine you're in a mall and you notice everyone screaming, panicking, and running towards the exits. Your immediate instinct is to follow the crowd instead of standing
still waiting to find out what the problem is. This is one of our survival instincts. You assume that the people have a reason for their reactions just like you assume a man who is preselected by women is attractive. This was a breakthrough for me. I was finding answers that made complete sense to me. I learned more about the approach anxiety men deal with when trying to talk with a woman. If you approached a woman who was already taken you run the real risk of danger; 40,000 years ago if you approached the tribal leader's woman you might end up being stoned to death. This instinctive fear was crucial in preventing these immediate dangers from occurring. Since our ultimate purpose is to survive, and without survival there is no life, these common reactions make a lot more sense to me. Darwin's Theory of Evolution contributed to the belief that our minds have been designed by natural selection to contribute to our actions with the intent of survival and replication. I now understood why we experience approach anxiety, and what social value is, but I didn't know what causes attraction. Was it simply good looks and money? What makes someone attracted to you?
Mystery believes there are several attraction switches that men and women experience. Men's attraction switches respond to more physical features. We focus on breast size, hip to waist ratios, weight, facial and body symmetry, and various other youth indicators. I realized why women had breast augmentations and worried about their looks so much. Men focus more on Replication Value than they do Survival Value. A physically good looking, healthy person is more likely to survive and replicate in our society than an ugly, physically unfit person will. I soon realized how different the genders are when I read the attraction switches that women noticed. Initially I assumed that women were attracted to good looking, physically fit men, with
money. This is a common misconception that has been socialized into our culture by the media. Women are attracted to men that are pre-selected. This isn't only seen in our species. There was a study done where a male grouse (a bird) was having trouble finding a mate. Scientists placed a stuffed female grouse beside him and females immediately entered his territory to mate with him. "If a woman believes a man is sexually attractive to other women, she will instantly feel an attraction towards him."(Mystery 46) Being a leader of men is another attraction switch. This implies that you are socially savvy, have the charisma for people to listen and follow you, and have garnered the social status that accompanies a leader. Having the ability to care for potential offspring triggers the protector of loved ones attraction switch. These were the three main causes for attraction that I found women responded to. I realized women were more attracted to Survival Value than they were to Replication Value. I had all the information at my disposal, but what good is it if I don't use it? I decided I was going to do some field research and test out what I had learned.
On March 17th, 2008 (St. Patrick's Day) I went out with my cousins Jennifer and Lori to Padre Murphy's in Phoenix. I was going to meet up with some other friends there and decided it would be a perfect opportunity to field test what I had learned. While my cousins and friends were at our table I decided to try and meet some women. I would chat with a lot of women but it wasn't going as well as I'd hoped it would. I wasn't noticing any indicators of interest. These are signs that someone consciously or unconsciously emits to indicate they are attracted to you. Some common ones are when women caress their hair; touch their neck or face, and laugh with you. After I talked with a few women I decided I would try a new approach. I got my cousins to
come with me and walked around the bar. I immediately noticed women looking at me more intently. I even returned to a couple of the women I had talked to earlier with my cousins with me. The reaction was incredible! The women immediately opened up more, focused their attention on me, and were asking questions about me. I met a couple more people and the effect carried over. When I had my female cousins with me the reception was a lot warmer and friendlier than when I was alone. I had just confirmed Mystery's theory on pre-selection. This completely changed my reality.
When I was younger I never questioned what the media displayed. I accepted these social norms without question. Eventually I went to college and started to delve into the intricacies of social networking. This was when Facebook/Myspace were becoming worldwide phenomenon's. Everywhere I looked I couldn't help but notice socialization dictating people's interactions. I strived to have a better understanding of human interaction and attraction. We've all seen average guys with beautiful women and that was really what motivated me to dig deeper. We've all seen the models on TV, the rich celebrities, and musicians. Looking back at it now I feel I have a reasonable explanation for them now. I can look at a man like Tom Cruise and completely analyze the reasons why people find him attractive. He's very successful and charismatic, he is a leader of men, is pre-selected by women, and is a good looking man. This identifies with every single one of female attraction switches. A lot of my friends would ask me why I cared about this stuff. I always quote Mystery when I respond to them:
"If you can't attract a woman, then by dictionary definition, you are sterileâ€¦Nature will unapologetically weed your genes out of existence." (Mystery 13)