I feel I'm to blame for the pain that I feel in my life. I have married and am now bearing Edgar's child and out of all the selfishness I've brought to the world perhaps the most selfish moment is now. Wanting to die; not being able to live without Heathcliff. From the moment my father died my brother Hindley took control of Wuthering Heights leaving my adopted brother Heathcliff as no more than a slave. I became captivated and consequently absorbed into the lives of the Linton's at Thrushcross Grange. Sometimes all I want is to break away from the life I chose to live by marrying Edgar. If only the man I am destined to be with will strike me, quite like Edgar, with his money and wooing and unyielding reputation, how could I have not fallen deeply in love with him? And so begins the glittering parade of the masks I hide behind, and my life becomes a front. Yet Heathcliff is the reason for my entire existence. Therein lies the foundations of me, the truth that I believe exists somewhere within me but is smothered by social conformities and his necessity for status. I crave for the feeling and passion that will come alive within me if I ever see Heathcliff again. I struggle to choose between my nature and the standard of my world. My great miseries in this world have been Heathcliff's miseries.
Passing days hold struggle to come up with any reasonable answer or logical theory. Going over every detail, watching them flicker across my mind. Sleepless nights, foolish mistakes, flashes of the past, physical illness, fearsome and sickening visions, punishment for things that haven't occurred yet, and finally constant feelings of little self worth and aloneness is my life. I feel myself fading away so I reach to forcing upon sleep in hope of waking up and reversing this counterfeit cycle. The past is exactly what defines me. The past is exactly what I'm longing for and yet I struggle aggressively to differ between what exactly it is I'm missing. Could it that I wished that I was young again when my soul was free or is it simply who Heathcliff used to be that I longed for. I have made myself physically ill. I was foolish to go out in the cold looking for heathcliff but not for a moment longer could I be away from him. With complete disregard for my unborn child with is simply a reminder of my betrayal. Though I will love my child and I will love heathcliff for eternity just like I know in my heart of hearts that he too will never stop loving me.
What is most upsetting is the wasted life of my brother Hindley. Since the passing of his wife Frances, he has simply given up on his life and it was as though he wasted away to an even more heartless being than what he was. I could never wish bad things to happen to my brother regardless of his abuse controlling nature. Although, I find it almost impossible to ever bring myself to forgive him for the pain he has caused Heathcliff. He turned him into a slave. I'll never forget the day when he stood up to Mr Linton and Hindley took him away and slashed his back many times. What I love most about heathcliff is his ability to stand up for himself. I have never considered him a weak man. Hindley is without a doubt the weakest person I know, it saddens me the most that he took great joy in punishing and beating Heathcliff. Hindley as a person and as a whole is clearly lacking. I feel nothing more than extreme pity for him and his constant drunken state.
The unforgettable moments I have shared with Heathcliff will never fade. He is my escape, he is my survival. I believe our love can survive anything even death. My greatest regret is not staying true to myself and not staying true to him. I am dying and my biggest fear is being without him. My soul will surely perish I'm nothing without him. My final mortal thought will be, if only I did things differently, whilst at last, the combined pain of the remarkable men I've hurt will come flooding back and clasp regretfully tight around my heart.
I am Heathcliff!