The Basis Of Good Sexual Communication English Language Essay

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Communication is a process that information is transmitted by a sender to a receiver from some medium. Then, the receiver decodes the message and replies the sender. All forms of communication require a sender, a message, and a receiver. However the receiver need not be present or aware of the sender's intent to communicate during communication in order for the behavior of communication to occur. Communication requires that all parties have an area of communicative commonality. There are auditory means and nonverbal means. Auditory means such as speech, song, and tone of voice. Whereas body language, sign language, paralanguage, touches, eye contacts, through media are nonverbal means. 

There are actually many differences between males and females, including in communication. In some cases, females do better than the male. For example, they are more skillful in expressing emotion and decoding nonverbal behavior. They are also more likely to disclose themselves. However, in other cases, males would interrupt more in the conversation than females and they have a higher degree about intrusive interruptions (Anderson & Leaper (1998); Diandia & Allen (1992); Hall (1984); LaFrance et al. (2003)). These are some kinds of examples showing how different they are in the communications. By knowing these kinds of differences, both males and females may have some methods to avoid arguments between each other, having or soothing conflicts, or even drawing attractions. These are also important to share ideas and know more about each other when meeting or having relationships.

What is communication culture?

A communication culture is a group of people with someset of norms abouthow they communicate with each other. We can categorize these cultures as masculine or feminine. There are some special communication cultures include African Americans, older people, Indian Native Americans, gay men, lesbians, and people with disabilities. Gender cultures are mainly created and held by interaction with others. By communicating with the others,we can learn about what qualities and activities that our culture prescribes to our sex.

The basis of good sexual communication

"Mutual empathy"means that when each person in a couple knows that their partner cares about them. A sign of mutual empathy is that each person can tell their partner what is important to the partner about a situation. Another sign is that when a person says something, the partner hears what is said correctly.

Important of discussion in sex

Nowadays, communication is not only vital for a healthy relationship, but also for talking about sex. There are some couples that will be a bit shy to talk about it. However, it is healthy to talk to your partner about what you love, what feels good and what you want. It can take your sex life to a higher level of intimacy and even cause your relationship to be stronger. Sex is a quite difficult topic to discuss for a large portion of our population, but with further experience and knowledge we can learn to appreciate this form of intimacy with our lover to a new level.

In fact, it is commonly believed that our sex is the root source of differences and how we communicate to others, it is gender which plays a larger role.All cultures can be broken down into masculine and feminine, each of them differ in how they get along with others through different styles of communication. Both cultures differ dramatically in when, why and how they use communication.

What is sexuality?

Sexuality includes the psychological, biological, social, emotional, philosophical, moral and spiritual dimensions of our lives. Sexuality starts with us and our relationship with ourselves and extends to our relationships with others. The relationship with ourselves includes not only how we feel ourselves as a person, as sexual beings, as men and women, but also how we feel about our body, sexual activities and behaviors. 

Sexual desire can be linked to emotions and communicative expression. Communication is central in expressing sexual desire, complicated emotional states and is also the "mechanism for negotiating the relationship implications of sexual activity and emotional meanings." Gender differences appear to exist in communicating sexual desire.

For instance, masculine people are generally perceived to be more interested in sex than feminine people, and the result of research suggests that masculine people are more likely than feminine people to express their sexual interest. This can be attributed to masculine people being less inhibited by social norms for expressing their desire, being more aware of their sexual desire or succumbing to the expectation of their gender culture. When feminine people employ tactics to show their sexual desire, they are typically more indirect in nature.


The different communication strategies for a feminine person refusing a masculine person's sexual interest. Some research, there are show that when feminine people offer refusals, the refusals are verbal and typically direct. When masculine people do not comply with this refusal, feminine people offer stronger and more direct refusals. However, the other research show the different result that rejection includes acts of avoidance, creating distractions, making excuses, departure, hinting, arguments to delay, etc. These differences in refusal communication techniques are just one example of the importance of communicative competence for both masculine and feminine gender cultures.

Why do many couples find it difficult to talk about sexual needs?

In our society,we often learn early in life that sex is an inacceptable topic for discussion. If parents don't talk about it, children cannot learn good ways and words to talk about sex.

Generally, the words we use to describe sex are associated with negative emotions such as sexist attitudes and anger. The words that we use to tell someone off or to show we got treated badly are the same words that describe having sex!

Words about sexuality tend to represent the extremes of "street language" at one end and "clinical terminology" at the other. When we are going to express loving and sexual thoughts, we struggle to find the right language. Sexual communication usually involves risk. By talking about sex, we will become vulnerable to criticism and rejection. The willingness to take risks is often related to the amount of trust that exists in their relationship. When there is no enough mutual empathy and trust, talking about sexual needs can be scary for the others.

Starting the sex discussion with partner

When starting a discussion about our sex life, there is the chance to start mentioning what will make us feel good and what does not. Not in a critical manner of course. Always be aware and sensitive of your partner's feelings and be positive. The more we talk openly and honestly with our partner, the more realizable we will get. So that isn't as hard as you think more about discussion of sex. We will become more relaxed and excited by started this new level of intimacy and openness. Many couples would like to spice up their sexual lives but do not know how to talk with each other and going to suggest new things such as other positions, bondage, oral sex and more. They will become fearful that they might be looked at awkwardly or in a different manner, and possibly rejected. A way to get your suggestions out there without bluntly stating it could be to say something looks awesome or fun when watch a movie, reading a book or magazine.

Communication and Sexuality

When communication comes to sex with our partner, most of people think that the other one can read our mind. In some cases, couples can connect in that way but a majority of people get frustrated because they feel they are not satisfying their partner. Sometimes we expect too much and that we should know exactly what to do with another one. We are not experts and single one of us is different and responds to different touches and arousal. There are nobody can read another's sexual mind completely. We can read body movements, noises and exclamations of ecstasy and many other sexual responses. Communication is so important when it comes to sex and even while having sex. Communicating is not only about being verbal but also about showing your excitement and arousal through touch, movement and noise. 

If communication is established about sex, there are several good things will happen

It allows a way to get assumptions about sex out in the open.

It will keep the masculine and feminine from taking each other for granted in their relationship.

It will give both parties the chance to say what pleases them or doesn't, what is pleasant or distasteful, and what is most satisfying to them.

It takes work to keep the lines of communication open. With love and caring in the sexual relationship a couple can keep this part of their relationship growing and alive. To accomplish:

Respect one another's moods and feelings in bed as you would any other place.

Don't ever use sex to get even with a mate.

Make a continuing effort to please one another.

Make sex a real partnership

How do nonverbal behaviors affect sexual communication?

Four essential components of nonverbal sexual communication include facial expression, sound, interpersonal distance and touching. All of these non-verbal behaviors are different in distinct culture. It is important to understand that if your partner is from different culture, the message you sent may mean something very different.

Facial expression often communicates thought and provides useful cues to your partner's experience. Eye contact is a vital part of inviting or discouraging sexual overtures for many Americans. However, for some person and culture, looking directly into the other person's eyes may be seen as a rude or aggressive behavior.

Both silences and sounds can improve communication during intimacy and, depending on preferences, can becomea powerful and enjoyable form of communication.

Interpersonal distance may suggest the other person's attraction and withdrawal. Standing close to someone may be seen as an invitation to be more intimate or it may simply feel like you are crowding him or her. Also, folding your arms in front of you may be a signal that you don't want the person to get closer.

Touch can signal preparation to become closer or diffuse anger and express care in a difficult interaction but it can also feel threatening if a controversy is aroused or invasive.

How is gender communication related to attraction?

Communication is defined as 'when two people interact, and intentionally or unintentionally, negotiate the meaning of any phenomenon' (Eckstein 5). But what is the connection between attraction and gender differences in communication?Actually,attractions like physical appearance is one of the steps that motivates different gender to start communication.But what really motivate different gender to have further communication or even develop relationship are other factors.

Physical appearance

When we talk about attraction,it is true that physical appearance is one of the factors that attracts males and females.But how is it affect gender in communication?It is true that having a beautiful appearance attracts males and females in the mate selection process,but it is only the first step that can attract males and females and what really makes them to communicate with each other and even develop further relationship like friendship and love are other factors.Physical appearance is only the first step to draw attention from people and whether there will be any further communication or even develop a closer relationship like love or friendship depends on other factors.

Facial characteristics

Facial characteristics is one of the factors that leads to further communication.Laurel J. Dunn (2009)in reporting  Reznik and Manzella's study, highlights that the emotions and character attributed to a significant other can be transferred to a new acquaintance based on the similarity of facial characteristics.When there is any facial similarity found in a person,good feelings follow and are transferred.Therefore, we tend to approach and to desire acceptance by that new person. Facial characteristics also give negative feelings if the significant other being compared evokes negative feelings.When negative feelings occurs,we rarely approach that person and start communication with him or her.

Bodily language

Identifiable movements of the body tend to be associated invisible correlates,such as confidence,power,affiliation,excitement and so on.For instance,Arliss in her book says that Fast,a former best seller,explains one picture by writing 'Her arms say she's available.'Moreover,Leather summarizes that positive indicators of affiliation includes forward-leaning posture,affirmative head nods and a moderate number of gestures.People who engaged in positive interaction have been observed to coordinate their movements.It encourages further communication and is more likely to develop a closer relationship.On the other hand,some may display negative affect in incongruent postures along with bodily tension and a relative absence of gestures.

Minimal responses 

Minimal responses,on the other hand,hinders further communications or even develop closer relationship.Arliss(1991)states that mininal responses is like message received but provides very little information about the listener's interests or evaluation of the speaker's remark.Examples like 'yeah','oh','mmm-hmm','I see' and 'right'.This is a negative factor that hinders further communication.Physical appearance may be the  first reason that people are attracted.For example,men usually are attracted by women with big eyes and full lips and they may start communication with women like this.They may tell a long,involved story and look forward to receiving response.However,after talking for a while,what they  receive are merely 'yeah' or 'oh',they may not be interested in further communication anymore and thus conversation lasts a very short time.With minimal responses as ways to communicate with others,they are actually hard to develop a further relationship.

Emotional communication

Emotional communication is one of the topics that differences can be found between two genders. Emotions are affective reactions to stimuli that threaten to interrupt, impede, or enhance an individual's goals (Frijda,1993). Biology and socialization are viewed as interactive forces that shape emotional experience and expression. (Andersen & Guerrero, 1998b; Brody,1985; Buck,1983)

Explanations on sex differences in emotional communication

Biological perspectives

According to the biological perspectives, evolution and natural selection process, along with genetic heritage, contribute to sex differences in hormones and temperament that lead to sex differences in social behavior, including emotional communication.

First, for differences in hormones, because men and women experience different types and levels of hormones, they may experience, and finally express, certain types emotions differently.

Second, in terms of temperament, some theorists have suggested that infant boys express emotion with more intensity than do infant girls(e.g., Malatesta & Haviland,1982), leading parents to discourage boys from expressing emotion if their affect level is already overly intense (Brody,1985). This differences in parental behavior, which may have been based initially on temperamental differences between sons and daughters, likely conteibutes to later sex differences in emotional expressiveness.

Third, neurological differences between the sexes likely influence emotional communication. For example, some scholars have suggested that men process emotional information by using the more analytic left hemisphere of the brain to a greater extent than do women, and the men's brains work harder than women's when decoding emotion. In contrast, women purportedly use more intuitiove right hemisphere strategies for emotional processing and also use both cerebral hemisphere more symmetrically (e.g., Brady,1993; Buck, 1982; Witelson, 1976). Although some researchers have cautioned against accepting these conclusions as fact until more research is conducted (e.g., Bleier, 1991; Bryden, 1982), sex differences in cerebral processing are likely to have some effect on emotional functioning.

Social Learning Experience

Other than biological perspectives, socialization can also explain the differences between two genders. Research shows that parents play an important role in this differential socialization process.

One of the examples can be stated by Brody(1993), that parents discuss emotions more often with girls than boys (except some kinds of negative emotions) and tend to exhibit more facial expressions to girls than boys. Besides, Fivush (1989) found that mothers generally focused more on the emotion state with daughters and conversely, on the cause and consequence of the emotion state with sons. It also appears that boys are raised to be independent and emotionally guarded, whereas girls are raised to seek and give emotional support. For example, some of the parents nowadays still teach their sons not to cry and be a man when facing difficulties or feeling hurt, while it seems to be more acceptable for girls to cry when feeling unsafe.