A Whitewashed Asian Girl English Language Essay

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Are you Asian? Do you want to become White? Some may call whitewashers Twinkies or Bananas; yellow on the outside, but white on the inside. I personally prefer the term "Twinkie". I think it sounds more appealing. I am about to share the secrets of embodying the essence of whitewashness. I'm not quite sure if that's even a word, but it will be used for guidance purposes. So, to all you aspiring female whitewashers out there, listen closely.

Rule #1: Abercrombie and Fitch is a religion

First and foremost, you most dress the part. Forget about attending church on Sundays, because you will now have to worship the holy Abercrombie and Fitch, otherwise known as Abercrombie and Fitch-ianity. For those of you who have been living in a cave, Abercrombie and Fitch is an expensive clothing store that practically every preppy white teen heads to. It's stocked with adorable shirts with witty sayings on them, body-fitting sweaters, miniskirts, and enough pairs of jeans to supply Russia. Now, mind you, I did mention the place was expensive. But of course, being Asian has its perks. I am referring to Chinese New Year and those fantastic red envelops. Save every dollar, and you will be about to splurge. Another alternative is going during their regular sales. We Asians love sales, don't we? Keep in mind that aggression is the key. March directly to the sales items, examine the clothing, and when you have found something, pounce on it. Remember to check for holes (however Asian that maybe). Here is a tip to save even more money; throw your item on the floor, stomp on it, drag it around nonchalantly, and present it to the sales clerk. With puppy eyes, say, "I found this item on sale, but it's a little dirty." You are guaranteed an even larger discount. Take the item home, toss it in the washing machine, and pride yourself on the fact that you have saved a good 15 dollars or more on the item. Score!

Rule #2: Do swoon over guys adorning instruments, surfboards, or skateboards. One of them will be your future husband.

It is a necessity to accessorize, so establish the mindset that guys are accessories. If you choose a bad accessory, it will take a toll on your overall image. Guy selection is critical in portraying the whitewashed image. Hunt down musicians, surfers, and skaters and stalk then if you must.

Take for example the lovely John Mayer. He is the epitome of a singer-songwriter. White preppy girls adore him. He writes heartfelt lyrics and plays the guitar. Plus, he is cutewhat more could you possibly ask for? Adore this man, buy his CDs (or burn then if you are cheap), attend his concerts (anyone up for the nosebleed section for only 20 bucks a ticket?), write him sappy love letter, and never miss him when he is on televisions. Cringe at the mention of John Mayer? Any other guys who fit the mentioned criteria will do. But, you must be smitten by at least one of them.

Rule #3: Avoid harsh makeup.

Doing so may categorize you as an Asian gangster chick. Plus, your makeup would clash with your Abercrombie and Fitch wardrobe. Is that what we are aiming for? NO! Do we want to resemble the highly irresistible Mimi from "The Drew Carey Show"? NO! In terms of applying makeup, excess is bad. Don't cake on powder, and lay off the heavy eyeshadow, dark eyeliner, and opaque lip color. Perhaps one of the worst things you can do is shaving off your eyebrows and pencil then in. Penciling your eyebrows makes you look unapproachable and harsh. Eyebrows like these are also associated with female gangsters. Over-tweezing your eyebrows is just as bad. Stay with the fresh, natural look. A little makeup goes a long way.

Rule #4: Music selection is critical.

Hip hop, rap and R&B are reserved for Asian gangsters. Bubblegum pop is for teenyboppers. This leaves the whitewashed with rock and oldies. Thankfully, there are different categories of rock music such as punk rock, acoustic rock, soul rock, alternative rock, emo, ad hardcore rock. Lace up those chucks and take your pick (FYI, chucks are essential for every whitewasher.) you get brownie points if you are a Beatles fan. If obtaining the music requires piracy, then by all means do so.

Rule #5: Do avoid associating with fobs.

Fobs can be categorized into two groups: the nerdy fobs and the true fobs. Here, we want to avoid the true fobs at all cost. Nerdy fobs are tolerable and can therefore be spared of ridicule. Why, you ask? These types of fobs share one thing in common: they are all intent on getting straight A's. If not, their parents beat them into a bloody pulp. We must have sympathy for them. They are often seen wearing glasses and pants that are too short for them. On the other hand, the true fobs are the most Asian of Asians. They are some of the most obnoxious and arrogant creatures roaming the earth. Did I mention they were loud and total walking fashion disasters? You may know a handful of them, so break all ties ASAP! If you hang around then long enough, you will love anime, idolize unattractive Asian stars, constantly speak in Chinese, get the "Asian mullet" (a hair cut), and wear seemingly high-fashion clothes that are in fact from Chinatown. It is quite evident that they are negative influence to any aspiring whitewashers.

Heck, even your own parents are fobs (if you are first generation American). The sad reality is that you must avoid being seen in public with them as well. Unfortunately, that is nearly impossible. If you find yourself in public with then, never walk beside them. Quicken your pace and keep at least a 6-foot distance. Your mom may notice this, become irritated, and call you by your Asian name to get your attention. The best thing to do would be to ignore her or run to the nearest restroom. Never wail something along the lines of, "MMMOOOMMM!! Don't call me that! My name is [insert English name here]." Doing so will only draw attention to you.

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