In behind of measuring success

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Measuring Success in At age 4 success is.... not messing in your pants. In At age 12 success is... having friends. In At age 16 success is... having a drivers license. In At age 20 success is... having sex. In At age 35 success is... having money. In At age 50 success is... having money. In At age 60 success is... having sex. In At age 70 success is... having a drivers license. In At age 75 success is... having friends. In At age 90 success is... not messing in your pants.

What's does a man on tight rope and a man getting a blow job from an 85 year old lady have in common? Don't look down!

Three couples went camping only to discover that only two tents were packed for the trip. After a short discussion it was decided that the men would sleep in one tent while the women would share the other. In At about midnight, John was awaken by Bob, who was sleeping beside him, with a huge erection in his hand. In “Look the size of this, it must be all the fresh air, I think I'm going over to see my wife” Bob exclaimed. In “Would you like me to come with you” John asked. In “Why the hell would I want you to come” Bob asked. In “Because that's my dick you're are holding”.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: in “I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. In I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. In I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?” in His new bride said, “No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.”

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an “F” in Arithmetic today. In “Why?” asks his father. In The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2 x 3?' I said. “6”. In “But that's right,” said his father. In “Then she asked me ‘How much is 3 x 2?' in “What's the fucking difference?” asks his father. In “That's what I said!”

A man went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a women patron. He turned to her and said, “This is a special day, I'm celebrating.” in “What a coincidence,” said the woman, “I'm celebrating, too.” She clinked glasses with him and asked, “What are you celebrating?” in “I'm a chicken farmer,” he replied. “For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile.” in “What a coincidence, the woman said. My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant! How did your chickens become fertile?” she asked. In “I switched roosters,” he replied. In “What a coincidence,” she said.

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I've got some bad news for have the cancer and it can't be cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month.” in Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. In There he saw his son who had been waiting. In Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't so well. I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints.” in After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. In Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad...He went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. In He told his friends “I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers. In After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered his confusion, “Dad I thought you said that you were dying from cancer? in You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?” in Murphy said, “I am dying from cancer son, I just don't want any of them sleeping with your mother.”

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me.” in At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, “I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.” in “Well, since we're confiding in each other,” said the doctor, “I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000.” in The lawyer was aghast. “I'm ashamed of both of you,” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.”

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, “I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” in “About 35,” was the reply. In “I'm actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy. In After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look about 29.” in “I am actually 47!” in This makes him feel really good. In While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age.” in As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it's done. You are 47.” in Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?” in The old lady replies, “I was behind you in McDonalds.”

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. In As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. In Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. In Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. In So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. In With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. In About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. In She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!” in The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!”

Little Johnnie sees his Daddy's car passing the play-ground and go into the woods. In Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a ‘Passionate Embrace'. In Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly. In “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy..” in At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.” in At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and... In “...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the army.”

A businessman checks into a very fancy hotel and tells the desk clerk that he has no meetings today and would like some “companionship”, price is no object. In The desk clerk says that he understands and someone will be at his door in ten minutes. Ten minutes later there is a knock on the man's door. He opens it and sees the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen in his life. In He tells her, “I'm in no hurry today, let's go real slow. What do you get for a hand-job?” She says, “$1000.” He screams, “$1000! No hand-job is worth $1000!” in She pulls him to the window, points outside and says, “You see that liquor store down there? I bought that store with the money that I got just from hand jobs!” in He gives her the money and sure enough the hand-job is like nothing he's ever had before. She does things that he didn't believe were possible with a hand. It's worth every penny. In “That's incredible,” he says. What do you get for a blow-job? She says, “$5000.” “$5000! No blow-job is worth $5000.” in She takes him to the window and points, “You see that Rolls-Royce dealership? I bought that dealership with money I got from blow-jobs.” in He gives her the money and the blow-job is the greatest thing he's ever known. Like rockets and fireworks and explosions. In When it's over, he says, “I've GOT to have that pussy!” She takes him to the window, points, and says, “You see that skyscraper?... If I had a pussy, I could buy that skyscraper.”

Three railroad construction workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. In “Man,” the Chinese man says. “If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself.” in “Man,” the Italian says. “If I get another slice of pizza in my lunch, I'll kill myself.” in “Man,” the redneck says. “If I get another ham ‘n' cheese sandwich in my lunch, I'll kill myself.” in The next day, all three men get the same lunches, and they all three throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral, everybody's crying. In “This is all my fault!” says the Chinese man's wife. “If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day.” in “This is all my fault!” says the Italian's wife. “If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day.” in “Don't look at me,” says the redneck's wife. “He packed his own lunch.”

Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for me. In She didn't even say “Good Morning,” let alone any “Happy Birthday.” I thought, “Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember.” The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word. In When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.” And I felt a little better; someone had remembered. I worked until noon. In Then, Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” in I said, “By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.” We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?” I said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let's go to my apartment.” in After arriving at her apartment she said, “Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.” in “Sure,” I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday...... and there on the couch I sat... naked !!!

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. In The woman notices this and asks, ‘Is your date running late?' in ‘No', he replies, ‘I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.' in The intrigued woman says, ‘A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?' in ‘It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,' he explains. In ‘What's it telling you now?' in ‘Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...' in The woman giggles and replies, ‘Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!' in The man explains, ‘Damn thing must be an hour fast.'

IN spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. In AT spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

Little Johnny went out into the garden and saw his pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. He fetched his Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I'm afraid Tiddles is dead”. “So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Dad?” asked Johnny as he fought back the tears. In At a loss for something to say the father replied, ‘Tiddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”. In Little Johnny seemed to take his cats death quite well. However two days later when his father came home from work Johnny had tears in his eyes and said, “Mummy almost died this morning”. Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the boy and shouted, “How do you mean Johnny? in “Well”, mumbled Johnny soon after you “left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting “Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!” and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Dad”.

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. In Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. In “There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied. In He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry. “Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously. In “No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him. In “Your boyfriend then?” he asked. In “No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear. In “Well, who is he then?” asked the bewildered guy. In Calmly, the girl replied, “That's me before the operation.”

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. In As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their “tourist“ garb. In They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a “drop dead gorgeous” topless blonde in a thong bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said “Good Morning, Father. Good Morning, Father.” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by. In They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? in So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them. In Once again, in their new attire, settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. In Again she nodded at each of them, said “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father.” and started to walk away. In One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said. “Just a minute young lady.” in “Yes, Father?” in “We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did you know we are priests, dressed as we are.” in “Father, it's me, Sister Angela.” she replied

A bachelor who lived at home with his mother and pet cat went on a trip to Europe. Before he left he told his best friend to inform him of any emergencies. In A few days after his departure, his cat climbed up on the roof, fell off and was killed. His friend immediately wired him with the message: “Your cat died!” in In a few hours he was back home, having cut short his trip in grief and anger at his friend, whom he told “Why didn't you break the news to me gradually? You know how close I was to my cat! You could have sent a message ‘Your cat climbed up on the roof today', and the next day you could've written, ‘Your cat fell off the roof' and let me down slowly that he died.” in After a quick memorial service, the bachelor left again to continue his trip. A few days later he returned to his hotel and there was a message waiting for him from his friend. It read, “Your mother climbed up on the roof today.”

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. In St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. In There are some criteria before entry is allowed. In For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? in St. Peter told him that's bad. In Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? in St. Peter told him that that too was bad. In Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? in St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, “Look, everybody does something nice sometime. In Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!” in The man says, “There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face”. In “Wow”, said Peter, “That's impressive. When did this happen”? in “Oh, about 10 minutes ago”, replied the man.

in in Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. In St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, “What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it.” in The teacher answered quickly, “That would be the Titanic.” St. Peter let him through the gate. In St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't really need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: “How many people died on the ship?” in Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. In “1,228,” he answered. In “That's right! You may enter.” in St. Peter turned to the lawyer. “Name them.”

Once there was a man with an extremely large dick, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible studdering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. In So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his studder. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his dick to relieve him of the studder. After a while the man agreed and had his dick removed. After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no dick. In So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his dick back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a studder than with no dick. In The doctor replies, “S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that.”

A French actress, returning from a visit to the United States, brought back a superb mink coat. In “How beautiful,” remarked an envious script girl at the studio. “Where did mademoiselle get that?” in “I met a gentleman,” said the haughty actress disdainfully, “who had $ voila!” in That summer the script girl took her vacation in the U.S. On her return she sported a mink coat equally as beautifully as the actress's. In “Scare bleu!” exclaimed the astonished actress. “How did you get that?” in “The same way as mademoiselle,” replied the script girl icily, “only in my case I met a hundred gentlemen, and each had $5.”

John took his blind date to the carnival. “What would you like to do first, Kim?” asked the man. In “I want to get weighed,” said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. In Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. “I want to get weighed,” she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar. In The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. “I want to get weighed,” she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. In Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, “How'd it go?” Kim responded, “Oh, Waura, it was wousy.”

Sheila was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge One of them was washing her private area, and noticed that there was a response on the monitor,when she touched her. They went to her husband Bruce and explained what happened, telling him,“Crazy as this sounds maybe a little oral sex, will do the trick and bring her out of the coma.“in Bruce was skeptical, but they assured him, that they'd close the curtains for privacy. He finally agreed and went into his wife's After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. “What happened?” Bruce replied, “I guess she choked.”

Top 10 Reasons E-Mail is Better than Sexin 1) E-mails last as long as you want them to. In 2) You can e-mail a complete stranger without getting arrested. In 3) Big e-mails don't hurt; little ones can satisfy. In 4) You can e-mail people in public without getting funny looks. In 5) You can e-mail somebody on the other side of the world. In 6) You can e-mail people of either or both genders without being considered perverted. In 7) You can turn a computer on without having to wear clothes that might make you catch pneumonia. In 8) If you e-mail somebody once then don't get in touch again you won't feel too guilty about it. In 9) People who e-mail a lot of different people in a short time don't get called horrid names. In 10) You can e-mail somebody who doesn't want anything to do with you and they can't put you in prison for it.

Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer: in 1. Lately she sits at the computer naked. In 2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette. In 3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive. In 4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up. In 5. She's gotten amazingly good at typing one handed. In 6. She makes sarcastic remarks about your ‘software'. In 7. Lipstick on the mouse. In 8. During sex she screams ‘A-colon backslash enter insert!' in 9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties. In 10.The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy's behind

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. In Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. In While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. In While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. In Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!” in His wife responds: “He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!”

A married couple were sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. In The husband asks “I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?” in “Yes” she replies. “He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago.” in “That's remarkable” the husband replies. “I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long.”

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.” in His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It's a fart football.” in A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” in After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I'm ahead 14 to 7.” in Not to be outdone, the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” in Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”in Now the pressure is on the old man. In He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got, and accidentally poops in the bed. In The wife says, “What the hell was that?” in The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”

The elderly couple returned to their honeymoon hotel to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. As they prepared to retire, the old woman went into the bathroom to put on the new $200 see-through silk-and-lace nightie she had purchased for the occasion. In Only after she had undressed did she realize she had left the sexy number in the bedroom. As she tiptoed into the room to retrieve it, her husband propped himself up in bed, squinted at her and remarked, “Jeez, Martha, for two hundred dollars, you would think they could at least have ironed it!”

This old couple is ready to go to sleep so the old man lays on the bed but the old woman lays on the floor. In The old man asks, “Why are you going to sleep on the floor?” in The old woman says, “Because I want to feel something hard for a change.”

A young couple are on their way to Las Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she had a confession to make. The reason that they had not been intimate was because she was very flat-chested. If he wished to cancel the wedding, it would be okay with her. In The guy thought about it for a while and said he did not mind if she was flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. In Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wanted to make a confession. He said that below his waist he was just like a baby, and if the girl wished to cancel the wedding, it'd be fine by him. In The girl thought about it for a while and said that she did not mind and she also believed there were other things far more important in a marriage than sex. Both were happy that they'd been honest with each other. In They went on to Vegas and got married. On the wedding night the girl took off her clothes and she was as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes and one look at the guy's naked body made the girl faint and fall to the floor. In After she came to, the guy asked, ‘I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?‘ in The girl said, ‘You told me it was just like a baby.' in The guy replied, ‘Yes, eight pounds and 21 inches.'

A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always after his wife to quit smoking. In One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, “You really ought to quit.” in She, getting tired of his nagging, said, “I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.” in He replied, “But they stunt your growth.” in She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had. In Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, “So, what's your excuse?”

A man walked up to a farmer's house, and knocked on the door. When the farmer's wife opened the door, the man asked if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, the man knocked, and again, he asked the same question. Again, she slammed the door and screamed, “Get the hell away!” in Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the following day just in case. In Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door. In When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex she said, “Yes!” in The man replied, “Great! Give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!”

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. In She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. In He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. In “What's the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?”. In The husband looks up from his coffee, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly. In “Yes I do” she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. In “Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car having sex?” in “Yes, I remember” says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. In The husband continues. “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?” in “I remember that too” she replies softly. In He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, “I would have gotten out today”.

A husband and wife are campaigning for a friend who is contesting the local elections. They both become so busy that they do not think of anything else but about the elections -- so much so that they communicate about everything in political language. In One night the husband wants to have sex desperately, but seeing the wife busy doing some work, goes to her and says, “I would like to put my candidate in your legislature.” in The wife, not realizing this was meant for something else, without raising her head says, “Our party is not going to accept this.” in The husband is disappointed but he goes to sleep. In After some time the wife realizes what the husband meant, so she wakes him up and tells him, “Darling, now you can put your candidate in my legislature.” in The husband replied, “Sorry, I cannot do that. My candidate stood independent and lost his deposit!”

Danny sets up Andy to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is a little worried about going out with someone he has never seen before. In “What do I do if she's ugly?” says Andy, “I'll be stuck with her all night.” in “Don't worry.” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don't, just shout Aaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.” in So that night, Andy knocks at Shirleys door, and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is. Andy's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, “Aaauuuggghhh!”

When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes him so sexy. In When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to see who's the handsome dude behind him. In But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to see if he's unzipped.

A man was driving recklessly down the interstate one day and his girlfriend in the passenger seat was getting very upset. The man finally realized that she was not happy with his driving and said, “Baby I'm sorry for driving so recklessly; I should be more careful when I have precious cargo!” in The girlfriend looked at him and said, “Oh, that's so sweet, baby!” in Then the guy quickly corrected her, “No, no! I mean the golf clubs in the back!”

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. In On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry. In When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. “Pull down your pants,” whispered the pastor. In “Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind,” the groom responded. “I think I would prefer the traditional service.”

Billy-Joe and Betty-Sue get married, and Billy-Joe whisks her away to his daddy's hunting cabin in the woods, for a romantic ‘nature honeymoon'... In He carries her across the threshold, and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear “Billy-Joe, be gentle, I ain never been with a man b'fore.” in “WHAT???” shouts Billy-Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head... In Billy-Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes, and races out the door, into his truck... down the mountain.... straight to his parents house...rushes inside screaming “Hey Daddy!, Paw! Git'up!”.... In His father rushes downstairs and gasps... “Billy-Joe, what'r you doin here? in “Billy-Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps ‘Well, Betty-Sue an I was in the cabin, and she tol‘ me she ain't never been with a ‘man afore.... so's I rushed outta there, an' lit back here...quick as I could! ” in His father grasps Billy-Joe's shoulder in reassurance, and says “SON, Ya done the right thing.... Iffin she ain't good'nuff fer her family, she shure ain't good'nuff fer ours!!”

A young couple moves into a new neighborhood. The next morning, while they are eating breakfast, the young woman sees her neighbor hang the wash outside. In That laundry is not very clean, she said, she doesn't know how to wash correctly. Perhaps she needs better laundry soap. In Her husband looked on, but remained silent. Every time her neighbor would hang her wash to dry, the young woman would make the same comments. In About one month later, the woman was surprised to see a nice clean wash on the line and said to her husband: “Look! She has learned how to wash correctly. I wonder who taught her this.” in The husband said: “I got up early this morning and cleaned our windows!” in And so it is with life: “What we see when watching others depends on the purity of the window through which we look. Before we give any criticism, it might be a good idea to check our state of mind and ask ourselves if we are ready to see the good rather than to be looking for something in the person we are about to judge.”

Jenny was explaining to her husband how much fun they'd had at the beach during her bridge club annual outing. “But,” she told him, “it didn't end all that great for me.” in “Why, what happened?” he asked. In “I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn't go out far because the waves were very bad. Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bathing suit to be snatched off. I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!” in “For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?” in “Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do. I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.” in My father began teaching business classes at the local prison through a community college. On his first night of class, he started a chapter on banking. During the course of his lecture, the subject of ATMs came up and he mentioned that, on average, most machines contain only about $1,500 at a given time. In Just then, a man in the back raised his hand. In “I'm not trying to be disrespectful,” he told my father, “but the machine I robbed had about $3,000 in it.”

Q: How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? in A: Knock on the door.

There are 4 animal species a woman needs in her life: a jaguar in her garage, mink in her closet, tiger in her bed! And of course a donkey to pay her bills!

Husband: Darling, years ago you had a figure like Coke bottle. In Wife: Yes darling I still do, the only difference is earlier it was 300 ml and now it's 1.5 ltr.

Long ago, a person who sacrificed his sleep, forgot his family, forgot his food, and forgot laughter were called “Saints”, but now they are called... “IT professionals”

Indian: I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers, what about you? in American: - I have no sisters or brothers, but I have 4 moms From my first dad and 5 dads from my first mom.

I'll bet you have to think twice before you leave your wife alone at night, one man said to the other. In “I'll say.” replied the second, “First, I have to think up a reason for going out. Second, I have to think up why she can't go with me.”

A man is at the bar, really drunk. Some guys decide to be good samaritans and get him home. In So they pick him up off the floor, and drag him out the door. In On the way to the car, he falls down three times. In When they get to his house, they help him out of the car and, he falls down four more times. In They ring the bell, and one says, “Here's your husband!” in The man's wife says, “Where the hell is his wheel chair?”

A world famous urologist believed he could diagnose any disease simply by looking at a urine sample. To test his prowess, a friend with tennis elbow peed into a jar and then got additional donations from his wife, daughter and his dog. The next morning , he jerked off in it as well. In He gave the bottle to the famous urologist and was told he'd called in a few days with the results. In Finally the urologist called and said, “It was tough case but I think I've solved it.” in “What wrong with me?” the man asked. In “Well, your wife has the clap, your daughter is pregnant, your dog has worms and if you quit playing with yourself, you wouldn't have tennis elbow.”

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. In “You aren't so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. In “What took you so long to answer?” in “I was in bed.” in “What were you doing in bed this late?” in “Getting a second opinion.”

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?in After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?in The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?in A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?in “Are you sure it's mine?”

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? in Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?in Breasts don't have eyes.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?in A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?in They named him “Sum Ting Wong”.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?in Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? in A. A widow.

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes? in A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road? in A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay? in A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? in A. They don't stop and ask for directions.

Q. What do men and sperm have in common? in A. They both have a one-in-a-million chance of becoming a human being.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future? in A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds? in A. The bonds mature.

Q. What do they call a woman who works as hard as a man? in A. Lazy

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. In It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. In He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. In Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. In As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' in To which he responded: ‘I found the remote.'

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?” in Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason. In Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons?'” in Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. In Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?” in Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?” in Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.” in “I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.” in “Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?”

Sandy and John were an extremely liberal, though not especially bright, white couple. In Wanting to begin a family, they decided they wanted to have a black baby, and set to work. In Nine months later, the fruits of their labor was born: a lovely white girl. In Pleased but disappointed, John decided to ask a black man at work why they hadn't parented a black baby. In Realizing that John was somewhat sluggish, the fellow took him aside and asked, “Is your wanker at least a foot long?” in John had to admit that it was not. “And is it at least four inches wide?” in Once more John replied in the negative. “Well, man, there's your problem!” the guy slapped him on the back. “You let in too much light!”