Domestic Violence Family
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: BREAKING HEARTS AND HOMES
Abstract
Domestic Violence played a big part in shaping me into who I am today. Miranda was my step-daughter and was murdered by her father nearly ten years ago. Most of my information came from life experiences, assisting with battered women shelters and training seminars. My research came mostly from the internet providing me statistical data and some key points to assist women who find themselves in an abusive relationship. The point that I am trying to get across to women is that there are avenues to take to get out of a bad relationship and organizations to assist them before something tragic happens.
The quiet night was quickly interrupted by the loud crack of a gun. The gun fired again and again. The day was January 12th 1999. Miranda, not quite four years old, lost her life at the hands of her father. Her story and stories like hers are becoming a common topic of discussion. Miranda was my stepdaughter and my goal is to tell her story along with getting people more aware of domestic violence from the women's point of view. First, I will discuss what domestic violence is. Then, I will discuss some facts and statistics of domestic violence cases. Next, I will talk about the heartbreak of domestic violence and why the wife stays with the abuser. I will describe the typical profile of a battered woman followed up by the typical profile of the batterer? Next, I will cover assessing whether batterers will likely kill. I will talk about steps a woman can take to safety. How the judicial system and law enforcement can protect the victim as well as how they tend to view domestic violence and have failed the victims. Lastly, I will tell Miranda's story tying in all the aforementioned and how she should be alive today. I hope to open your eyes to domestic violence and prevent even one unnecessary death.
Domestic violence, we've all heard the words before, but what do they really mean? Webster's definition is: the inflicting of physical injury by one family or household member on another. The definition shows a significant hole in today's society of thinking. Physical injury is only part of domestic violence. Not all cases have a history of physical altercations, as with Miranda's case. Domestic violence is any abuse by one member on another. This can be verbal abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse and isolation abuse. All of these are ways that the abuser can control the victim. Automatically everyone thinks of physical abuse when they hear the words domestic violence and my goal is to change that thought process. Now that you have a better understanding of what domestic violence is let's discuss some facts and statistics.
The facts and statistics on domestic violence are alarming and ever growing. Fact one is domestic violence is a crime. Humans have grown up believing that man is better than the woman. This has caused humans to ignore domestic violence against women. This is a societal influence that needs to be changed. Another fact is that domestic violence occurs among all races, ages and religions. It happens to people of all educational and income levels. This is yet another misconception with domestic violence cases. Just because a man goes to church every Sunday and is a millionaire doesn't mean he is incapable of this crime. Researchers estimate that over 5.3 million women are abused each year (American Institute on Domestic Violence, n.d.). A battering incident is rarely an isolated occurrence. It usually recurs frequently and escalates in severity over time. Each year, medical expenses from domestic violence total at least $3 to $5 billion. Businesses forfeit another $100 million in lost wages, sick leave, absenteeism and non-productivity (Colorado Domestic Violence Coalition, 1991). Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women (American Institute on Domestic Violence, n.d.). Nine out of 10 female murder victims are killed by males, and nearly one-third of these victims are killed by an intimate (husband, ex-husband, boyfriend or ex-boyfriend), according to the U.S. Department of Justice (Berkeley Media Studies Group, 2003). The National Child Abuse and Neglect Data System (NCANDS) reported an estimated 1,460 child fatalities in 2005 (Gaudiosi, 2007). The facts and statistics on domestic violence are overwhelming when you analyze the numbers closely. Now let's look at the heartbreak of domestic violence and why the woman often stays with her intimate other.
Why doesn't she just leave? This is one of the most frequently asked questions about domestic violence. There are a number of reasons why victims may remain in abusive relationships. I will discuss six key reasons why she stays: hope, fear, social pressure, low self-esteem, isolation and financial dependence. Many women love their abusive partners and HOPE things will improve. They may look back to the good parts of the relationship and wish things could get back to “the way they used to be”. Abusers often treat their victims very well during the honeymoon phase that follows a violent episode, and this encourages a belief in the victim that things will improve. Women FEAR their abusers because they often threaten to hurt or kill the victim or their children if she leaves or tells anyone. SOCIAL PRESSURE comes from our society placing a high value on having a partner, and many women believe it is better to have an abusive partner than none at all. Well-meaning friends and family may even discourage a victim from leaving an abuser for this reason. Some victims also may hold religious beliefs that disapprove of or forbid divorce. Women in violent relationships have LOW SELF-ESTEEM and often doubt themselves. They may blame themselves for their abuser's behavior, and the abuser generally reinforces this by constantly telling her that it's all her fault. The constant humiliation of the abuse eats away at the victim's self-confidence, and she may come to believe that she is totally helpless. The abuser uses ISOLATION to keep the victim in the relationship. Abusers often criticize or behave badly toward the victim's friends and family, making it difficult for the victim to maintain any relationships other than her relationship with the abuser. Lastly, the victim stays with her abuser because of FINANCIAL DEPENDENCE. The victim may believe that she cannot support herself and her children without the abusive partner's help. Also, abusers routinely control access to money, and the forbid victims from holding jobs or getting job training. The heartbreak that domestic violence causes is a process that is hard for the victim to get out of. Let's take a look at the profile of a battered woman.
Battered women come from all walks of life. She may be your mother, sister, friend, coworker, or neighbor. Women are the victims of battering; they do not provoke or deserve it. Domestic violence takes a serious toll on its victims, both physically and emotionally. Battered women suffer physical injuries that endanger their health and may result in life-long disabilities. Victims fail to seek medical attention for injuries sustained as a consequence of domestic violence during cohabitation. Nearly 75% wait to seek help until they are separated from the abuser (Stark and Flitcraft, 1988). The emotional effects of battering can be even more devastating than the physical assault. A battered woman may lose touch with friends and family because she fears that people she cares about will discover the violence and blame her for it. As a battered woman's support system diminishes, so does her sense of self-esteem. The constant insults of her abuser may cause her to feel that she is unworthy of the respect of others. If the criminal justice system fails to protect her rights and safety, she begins to lose hope. Despite the abuse endured, victims are usually strong survivors. With adequate resources and support, many women not only create new lives for themselves, but also become advocates for battered women's right. Now that we've addressed the profile of the battered woman lets look at the profile of men who batter.
Society teaches men to control their relationships with women. Violence or the threat of using it is ways that batterers achieve power and control over their female partners. Unchallenged, men who batter come to learn that violence is an acceptable and effective way to resolve problems. The same as battered women, abusive men come from all classes, races, religions and income and educational levels. The vast majority of men who batter are not violent in their interactions with others - not with the judge, boss, co-worker, or neighbor - only with those with whom they can get away with it, usually wives, girlfriends or children (Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, n.d.). Abusers tend to have a rigid, traditional view of sex roles and parenting. Batterers are more focused on their own needs than on the pain or fear that their violence causes their victims. Battering is not a mental illness that can be diagnosed, but a learned behavioral choice (Sandra Ramos, n.d.). Alcoholism or drug abuse does not cause battering. Intoxication may only intensify and already existing violent behavior. Batterers characteristically deny the existence and severity of their violence. When confronted with their abusive behavior, they tend to blame their partner for provoking it or refuse to accept responsibility for it. From the profile of the batterer we will assess whether he is likely to kill.
In some cases, batterers are life endangering. It is possible to evaluate whether an assailant is likely to kill his partner, his children, family members or others. The following information was retrieved from the Women's Shelter Program of San Luis Obispo County. The batterer who has mentioned suicide or killing others must be considered extremely dangerous. This is a big problem because the victim along with others feels that the abuser doesn't really mean it or that he would never do it. Depression can cause a batterer to be a candidate for homicide and suicide. The abuser feels there is no better way out of his situation and that life isn't going to get better. He has nothing to live for. A batterer who possesses weapons and has used them or threatened with them is potentially more likely to kill. Abusers tend to think that if I can't have them then nobody can. This is how they control the situation to the very end. When the victim says, “I'm leaving you”, the abuser is pushed into an uncontrollable rage that sends them over the edge and commit murder. Those batterers who assault and mutilate pets are more likely to kill or maim family members.Not all batterers are killers nor do they have to display any of the aforementioned to kill. Sometimes there are no signs, but in most cases that are looked at after a tragic event the signs were there and not seen. If these signs are visible what steps can a victim take to safety?
Whether or not a victim is able to leave an abuser, there are things they can do to make themselves and their family safe. If the victim is at home and being threatened or attacked she should stay away from the kitchen because the abuser can readily find a weapon there. She should stay away from bathrooms and closets where the abuser can trap her. The victim should get to a room with a door or window to escape. She can get to a room with a phone and lock the abuser out if possible and call 911. She should seek help at a neighbor's house or nearby business. If the abuser has moved out the victim should change all the locks, keep a cell phone on them at all times, plan an escape route if something were to happen and pack a bag to have at the ready if she needs to leave in a hurry. The victim needs to teach the children a few things to keep them safe too. The children should never get in the middle of a dispute between the abuser and victim. The children should know how to get to safety or who to call if something happens. Once you have reached a safe haven you need to call law enforcement and seek judicial assistance.
The judicial system along with law enforcement is readily available to assist the victims with protection against the batterers. Police officers are the first responders to a domestic violence dispute. They assist the victim with filing charges against the abuser. Police officers also escort either the victim or abuser to the house of residence to retrieve their belonging to protect against further altercations. The judicial system is there to assist the victim with filing restraining orders, supervised visitation with children, and further criminal charges if orders are broken. I will discuss some serious problems the judicial system and law enforcement have neglected to do with domestic violence cases. I have attended training seminars at a police precinct and heard officers voice their opinions about hating to answer a call at a house for a domestic dispute. Their main reason is that the woman never presses charges against the abuser and they always go back to him. This mind-set causes them not to want to help the victim. They don't understand the process of abuse and the reasons why the women go back. Another problem is the officers tend to take the side with the man because we live in a society where the woman is subservient to the man. They subconsciously feel that the woman must have done something to deserve it. The judicial system is at fault because the lawyers and judges don't know all the new laws that get passed on a regular basis. Once they pass the bar exam that is it. There should be some requirements to keep informed and trained on newly enacted laws. The judicial system tends to be male dominant like law enforcement and accuse the woman and defend the man. Now that I have discussed some areas that law enforcement and the judicial system can assist a victim and some of the faults in the system to be aware of let's discuss Miranda's case.
Now that I have covered all the topics I want to tell you Miranda's story tying in all the aforementioned topics. Miranda was killed 4 days prior to her fourth birthday. I will take you back a few years to her parents (no names will be used) and their failed marriage pointing out the topics at hand. Their marriage started off normal like any other marriage. After a couple of years Miranda's father became controlling and verbally abusive to her mother. He would spend late nights out at the bar and was even caught cheating which was one of the leading factors ending the marriage. I would like to point out that this was his second marriage. He had a son from his previous marriage. His separation with his first wife ended with him strangling her until she passed out and him leaving her for dead. She came from a poor upbringing and didn't know what to do. She was lucky to get out of the volatile situation alive. She chose to not seek charges for fear that he might do it again. It was easier for her to let it go and not have to deal with him again. Now he finds himself in yet another failed marriage and another child that he can only see on a part time basis.
After the separation leading to the divorce with Miranda's mother is when his stalking began. He worked for the local city fire department and was also an EMT for an ambulance company. He utilized his job position to get her phone number every time she had it changed. There was no getting away from him. He would call her at all hours, describing where she had been, whom she had been with and what she was wearing. He even at one point paid someone to harass her. This caused problems for Miranda's mother from a social standpoint. Every time she would try to date another man he would end up chasing them off. It was easier for the boyfriend to leave the situation instead of trying to help. After Miranda's death a fellow fireman came forward and said he approached him asking him if he knew anyone who could kill his wife and her parents. Unfortunately this gentleman didn't say anything at the time. As I mentioned earlier, we have grown up in a society where people stay out of other people's marital business. The man is the leader of the house and his family should obey him. With a better understanding of the abusers profile, I will talk about the profile of the victim and the things she did to get her assailant convicted of stalking.
Miranda's mother had a tendency to get into abusive relationships. This was not her first. Unfortunately this seems to be a trend in our society. I don't know why or how it happens, it just does. She stayed with him for six years. Through this time he tore down her self-esteem. He always told her she was no good and dumb. This is a tool used by the abuser to keep her from leaving because she feels she can't make it without him. Miranda's mother came from a good family with lots of prominent family members. She even has a judge in the family. This is where she received a lot of aid. She kept a detailed log of every event that took place during the stalking phase. This would prove vital to her convicting him of stalking. All of the information filled up a two-inch binder. She had video footage of him walking around her house and the person he hired to harass her. She even had a family friend detective follow him and witness him stalking her around town. I hope that women that find themselves in this same situation learn from this and the amount of evidence that is required to get a conviction. With the background of the abuser and victim better explained, I will go into the days leading up to and including the day of the dreary event.
Miranda's father had been in a relationship with another woman for about a year. They were talking about getting married. From the time he met this woman he left Miranda's mother alone. He had a new found love. Things began to go bad. She wanted out of the relationship. He began doing things to her that he had done to Miranda's mom. He was stalking her and using his job contacts to do it. She kept changing her phone number to no avail. She worked at a clinic and he would come by in the ambulance to check on her, even though he had fellow workers with him. It got so bad, that his girlfriend would have the security guard escort her to her vehicle. She would scan the parking lot before stepping outside to see if he was out there. On 8 January Miranda's father came to the house to talk to her mother. He was explaining to her what was going on and that he was doing the same thing to his girlfriend that he had done to her. He said he pushed her away and that she wanted nothing to do with him. He was looking for answers on how he could get her back. Miranda's mother felt uneasy about the visit and new something wasn't quite right. It made the hair stand up on the back of her neck.
Miranda's mother was going out of town for a job related certification on the 10th of January and coming back on the 13th. Miranda's father was entitled to joint custody so he was to have Miranda for those days. Her father's relationship with his girlfriend was at rock bottom. His girlfriend was going on vacation to get away from him. He was desperate to do something. This is when he planned the inevitable and even recorded it into a handheld tape recorder.
Miranda's life would end on this fateful day. She was too young to understand what was going on and trusted her daddy. Her dad called her brothers school and tried to pick him up. Luckily for him he was at home sick with his mother. He borrowed his dad's Jeep, telling him that he wanted to give Miranda a ride in it. He was really using it so his girlfriend wouldn't recognize the vehicle in the parking lot at her work. He took a 38 pistol from his father's closet. The worst thing was his father noticed the pistol missing and did nothing about it and just days prior his son asked him if he had life insurance on the grandkids. He sat in the Jeep with Miranda and waited for his girlfriend to come out. When she did he jumped out of the vehicle and confronted her. She was with her friend, who at that moment got in her car and watched what was going on. He pulled out the pistol and shot her twice. He then proceeded to drag her to a median in the parking lot and went back to the vehicle for Miranda. He brought her over to the slain girlfriend, sat her on his lap and shot her in the back. When cops arrived on the scene he was stabbing the girlfriend with a hunting knife. He threatened suicide but couldn't go through with it so he turned his weapon on the police and they opened fire. Three lives were gone that day and many more lives were ruined because of it. Nine years later fresh in the minds of those that it affected.
The aftermath at the scene brought forth many questions and concerns. The fire department that responded to the call was Miranda's father's unit. On their way to the scene they had word that it was a fellow firefighter at the scene. The firemen knew who it was before they got there, not because they were told, but because they knew from his actions leading up to that day. Could they not do anything? We can't report one of our fellow brothers! Why didn't his father stop him when he noticed the weapon missing? Miranda' mother has to live with the fact that she left her baby with him just two days after he came to her house upset. She will never fully get over the guilt that she puts on herself. While her mother was away, on that day she felt that something was wrong. She contacted his parent's house with no answer. She began to worry. Finally that night she got an answer, it was his father. He passed the phone to a police officer and that is when Miranda's mother fell to the floor in agony. With this painful event over, let's see what could have been done to prevent it.
How the judicial system failed Miranda? Miranda's father was convicted of stalking her mother. In the state of Louisiana there was a law passed in 1993 named the Post-Separation Family Violence Relief Act. According to the law her father should have only received supervised visitation instead of the joint custody that was awarded. Not only did the lawyer handling the divorce case not know the law the judge didn't either. These are the people that are paid to protect you and they don't know the law. We spoke to a judge after the murder and he said, “There is no way they can keep up with all the new laws that get passed”. What a shame. Miranda's life was in their hands. This has taught me one thing; research everything to the utmost of your ability before trusting a “subject matter expert” with your life or the life of your loved ones.
Not only did the judicial system fail her so did the police department and fire department. He was convicted in Shreveport and now worked and lived across the Red River in Bossier City. The police responded to his girlfriend's house numerous times because of disputes. He was living with her at the time. They even had to escort him to the house to retrieve his things when she kicked him out. The police did background checks on him and knew that he was convicted of stalking but turned a blind eye to that because he was one of them. The fire department and police department form a tight bond with one another. The fire department knew about his mental problems and recommended counseling. He tried to get his life insurance policy change a few days prior to the murders. He was insisting that it be done right away, yet no one questioned this behavior. The fire chief claimed that he never knew he was convicted of stalking even though he knew about all the court hearings dealing with it. His claim was that it was recorded in the Shreveport system not the Bossier system. Because of this controversy the chief resigned. These are the people we expect to keep our cities safe.
This was Miranda's story and I hope to prevent another tragic loss of life by informing our society. I discussed what domestic violence is. Then, I discussed some facts and statistics of domestic violence cases. I talked about the heartbreak of domestic violence and the reasons why the wife stays with the abuser. I describe the typical profile of a battered woman followed up by the typical profile of the batterer. Then, I covered how to assess whether batterers will likely kill and the steps a woman can take to find safety. I gave viewpoints on how the judicial system and law enforcement can protect the victim as well as how they tends to view domestic violence and failed the victims. Lastly, I told Miranda's story tying in all the aforementioned and how she should be alive today if all the fail-safes were in place. I hope to open your eyes to domestic violence and prevent even one unnecessary death.
References
American Institute on Domestic Violence Retrieved June 17, 2008,
Website: http://www.aidv-usa.com/Statistics.htm
Berkeley Media Studies Group, a project of the Public Health Institute, 2003,
Retrieved July 2, 2008 Website: http://www.bmsg.org/pcvp/ARTICLE3.SHTML
Colorado Domestic Violence Coalition, 2Domestic Violence for Health Care Providers, 3rd
Edition, 1991, Retrieved June 17, 2008, 11th bullet statement
Website: http://www.hsdcfs.utah.gov/factsdv.htm
Dr. John A. Gaudiosi, Child Maltreatment 2005 (U.S. Department of Health and Human
Services, 2007), RetrievedJune 17, 2008,
Website: http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/pubs/cm05/chapterfour.htm#child
Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence, New York City, Retrieved July 2, 2008,
Website: http://www.opdv.state.ny.us/public_awareness/bulletins/fall2000/batterers.html
Sandra Ramos, Strengthen Our Sisters, Breaking the Cycle of Domestic Violence
Poverty and Abuse, P5, Retrieved July 2, 2008
Website: http://www.strengthenoursisters.org/men_who_batter.html
The Black Church and Domestic Violence Institute, Stark and Flitcraft, April 1988, Retrieved
July 2, 2008Website: http://www.bcdvi.org/facts.htm
Women's Shelter Program of San Luis Obispo County, Retrieved July 2, 2008
Website: http://www.womensshelterslo.org/info_relationship.htm
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